Victims of child abuse learn at a very early age how to tuck away their emotions into a BOX.  Lid taped SHUT!  Safe. Protected.  Hidden from the world.  It’s a coping mechanism that I was quite proud of.  No one would ever know unless I told them.  Why isn’t this a good idea? It’s because the sides of this BOX, where things have been so safely stored,  are merely camouflage.  Camouflage painted the color of GUILT, SHAME, UN-FORGIVENESS, MISTRUST, ANGER,  LOW SELF-ESTEEM, CONTROL.  Camouflaging and yet displaying what’s on the inside of the box…BROKENNESS trying to be UN-BROKENNESS. Camouflaged, where no one could see, but yet so transparent like GLASS.  It wasn’t until August 2015 that I realized just how broken I really was.  I had always felt that I was a Christian and that I had learned to simply put everything on the back burner..not holding a grudge.  Just accepting my childhood for what it was.  Actually, it was all just simply tucked away in this box and I was a caged animal, just needing to be loosed.  I was happy with the way I was.  I considered myself Christian, and thought I was doing a great job of it.  I stood for all things good and displayed God, or at least I thought I did.  What I came to realize is that I could not have been further from the truth.  I had absolutely no idea how broken I was.  I was at the bottom, broken as broken could be….not even realizing it, because my box was camouflage….TO ME.  I did not realize the effect that my past demons of mental, physical, and sexual child abuse had on me and everyone around me.  Every aspect of my life had been and continues to be affected.  My duties as a mother, my relationship with my husband, and even my relationship with my colleagues.  Over the past two years, God has begun to slowly shatter these walls around me.  Through God’s Grace, He is showing me the destructive nature of these walls.  He is teaching me to Let Go and Let God.  He loved me enough to walk into my life in August 2015 and save me from myself.  Now, I am able to see that He was actually always there, protecting me throughout my entire childhood from the beast that I lived with and preparing me for this journey. Teaching me.  Molding me.  Guiding me.  I finally see that in 2000 He sent my husband into my life to save me from my dad, but in 2015, He sent a godly woman into my life to save me from myself.  So many victims of child abuse, or domestic abuse in general,  tend to self destruct.  God had a different plan for me.  He loved me enough. I have recently come to realize that he used the fear I had of my dad (and not wanting to disappoint him) to place me in a career that puts me in a position to glorify His name.  I had never realized this until He began to tear these walls down..those walls that I had so perfectly erected to hide behind and protect myself.  He turned UGLY into an opportunity for hope and healing.  I am able to touch people’s lives through work and witness, but they touch my life as well.  They help me spiritually as much as I help them physically.  Even now, as I write, God is showing me how He continues to heal through Grace and Mercy.

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